


he can't admit to himself that he's into dudes

by depressedgayartist



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: "ryan is just as beautiful as jan but in a different way", 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Biphobia, Coming of Age, Fix-It of Sorts, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Michael Scott Has Internalized Homophobia/Biphobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Secret Crush, You could say, and also because there were only 11 fanfics for this ship and that made me sad, i wrote this because of that line in michael's diary, some of the events portrayed here take place after s4e12, there is no heterosexual explanation for that mister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/depressedgayartist/pseuds/depressedgayartist
Summary: Five times Michal's sexuality was questioned — either directly or indirectly — and one time he finally understood and accepted it.ORThe one where years of internalized homophobia and biphobia are finally confronted when Michael realizes that he might have feelings for Ryan — and those feelings might be reciprocal.
Relationships: Pam Beesly & Jim Halpert, Pam Beesly & Michael Scott, Pam Beesly & Ryan Howard, Past Michael Scoot/Jan Levinson, Past Michael Scott/Original Female Character(s), Ryan Howard/Michael Scott
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62





	he can't admit to himself that he's into dudes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [not-so-secret kisses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8956699) by [kyouyaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyouyaed/pseuds/kyouyaed). 



> It took me three days to complete writing this and that's ADHD hyperfixation to you.  
> Well, as I like to point out every time, English is not my first language and I correct all my fics by myself so, if there are any mistakes that I didn't see, please let me know.  
> This fic is dedicated to everyone who struggled with their identity somehow, especially due to internalized hatred. I just want you to know that you're loved and that there's nothing wrong with you, 'kay?  
> Also, the title is from a quote that I found when I literally googled "internalized homophobia quotes" and I thought this one was really beautiful and fitted just perfectly with the fic's intention.  
> The full quote is: “He's so far buried in his own dogma and his own world of shoulds that he can't admit to himself that he's into dudes, that it's a piece of him, a perfect part of him, and it deserves admiration and respect and space the same way anything else about him does.”  
> ― Christina Lauren, Autoboyography
> 
> Edit: I forgot to say this when I posted but the story here happens on a alternative universe where the only things that really change are Ryan's personality (but only a little, though) and that Ryan didn't get Jan's job and therefore stayed at the Scranton branch.

1.

The very first time Michael heard the word "queer" used on a phrase, he was only seven years old and he had never seen his mother angrier at his father in his entire, even though relativity short, life. Being confronted by an entirely new word to him, which he couldn't make any sense of by himself, he did what any other seven-year-old in his position would have done and asked his mom for an explanation.

But what a mistake.

As if he had casted a wizarding spell, with his words alone, his mother immediately stopped swearing as her face went from deadly furious to a confused, blown away expression. Not only had Mrs. Scott forgotten about her son's presence in the kitchen, silently doing his homework, as she had also no idea of what she was supposed to say to her child in that specific and unlikely scenario. Taking a deep breath and trying to slow down her heartbeat, she kept an almost excessively serious tone as she said, "A very, very bad and ugly thing that I don't want to hear you saying in this house or anywhere else you go, do you understand me?"

Michael shook his head obediently, knowing from experience that the tone his mother had just used with him meant, clear as the light of the day, 'disobey me and you'll go to bed without dinner' and the boy, of all things, didn't want to waste on the chance of eating his mother's delicious meatloaf, which he was sure she'd be cooking tonight as he noticed all the ingredients displayed by the kitchen sink.

So, he put his head down and got back to his homework, with the new information that "queer" was a bad and ugly thing but with no concept of what it actually meant.

2.

When Michael was thirteen, there was a girl in his class called Marilyn. Yeah, just like the movie star and almost as beautiful as what actress Marilyn would have been as a pre-teen. Needless to say that all the boys had a huge and obvious crush on her but there was a problem: Marilyn was the principal’s daughter and there were rumors that if someone did her any harm, even something as minor as not borrowing her a pencil or being slightly mean to her, you would be expelled. Not that anyone had ever seen with their own eyes a student be expelled for that matter but the rumors existed for a reason, right? Anyways, fearing that the worst could happen to them, none of the boys dared to touch even a string of her hair.

However, that situation didn't stop Marilyn herself from acting upon her own desires. And if there was anything that she desired for the most was to find out the truth about Michael Scott. She and her friends had debated over that topic over and over again, without ever getting to a conclusion. So, after a delicate voting process, they all came to the decision that Marilyn was the perfect choice for the plan they had come up with.

Because of that, Michael found inside his locker, first thing on that fateful Monday morning, a ripped notebook page with a highly cursive handwriting that said _“Meet me behind the bleachers during lunch - M”._ Michael quickly turned his head around to see if he could still spot the mysterious person who left that note but everyone around him seemed like they couldn't care less about his existence.

Well, he would have to wait until lunch break to find out but that didn’t keep his mind from wandering. After all, there were three girls in his class whose names started with “M”. There was Marnie, a shy and quiet girl whose voice Michael swore he had never heard before; Martha, a boyish girl who was always getting into trouble and then, finally, Marilyn. Sweet, gorgeous, unattainable Marilyn… oh, as much as he would like that to be true, Michael knew that it wasn’t possible so he decided not to get his hopes up for nothing, settling then on the possibility of the note belonging to either Marnie or Martha. 

But then it occurred to him that it could be from a boy. The only other boy in his class whose name also started with “M” was Max, a smart and nerdy boy that had the bad habit of losing all of his school supplies, forcing Michael to borrow his to him since they seated next to each other. But he didn’t mind, though, because Max was honestly the only kid who ever talked to him and he knew a lot of cool and random fun facts.

However, against all his expeculations and careful thought on the subject, the person who went to meet him behind the bleachers was no one less than Marilyn Brightburn herself. Michael blinked once, twice, not believing what his eyes were showing him. As if not noticing his bewilderment or, maybe, deliberately choosing to ignore it completely, Marilyn said with an innocent smile, “Hey there, Michael!”

“H-hey, Marilyn,” he said back, trying his best not to stutter and failing miserably. 

“I have a question for you, that’s why I called you here”

“O-okay”

“Okay,” she repeated, “Do you want to kiss me?”

Lindsay was actually the one who came up with that crazy idea. “You’re the prettiest girl in class, Mari,” she had said, “If Michael doesn’t accept to kiss you, then he is definitely a fag”

“Kiss you?,” Michael exclaimed in surprise but at least, this time, without stuttering.

“Yeah… don’t you want to?,” a mischievous grin was perking on her lips, but the answer that came off later made it disappear completely.

“No, I do! I really want to kiss you!”

“ _Oh_ ,” Marilyn sighed, tilting her head to the side.

And then, they kissed. It was incredibly awkward, as both of them were kissing someone else for the very first time. But it was also good, they had to admit. As good as a kiss between two thirteen-year-olds with no experience could be.

The next day, to everyone’s surprise, they officially started dating. But it wouldn’t last that much.

“You’re dating Michael now?!,” Lindsay was outraged, “But he is a fag!”

“No,” Marilyn retorted, “He is my boyfriend.”

“Okay, then. Your boyfriend is a fag.”

The problem turned out to be not the suspicion that Michael was more into boys than girls but the fact that Marilyn couldn’t bring herself to laugh at any of his jokes. She didn’t think he was _that_ funny. Because of that, they broke up less than a week later. 

3.

“I dated a girl in college,” Lisa said out loud and, from all things Michael had expected her to say, that probably was the one that caught him off-guard the most.

“What, to… to get a guy's attention or…?”

“No, not like that,” she said, touching his arm lightly. They were in bed, the lights were turned off and the only evidence they had that the other was still there was the sound of their voices in the dark, “Like… like, I mean, I really was in love with her. It wasn’t to get anyone’s attention… it was just for us. Just us.”

“What so, you were like gay _gay_? Gay like… Ellen DeGeneres?”

“Well, at the time, I didn’t give it much thought. I thought that I was just experimenting, like everyone else in college. But now I realize that I was really in love with her… So now I identify as bi. Bisexual.”

Michael was quiet for a few seconds until he scoffed and said, “Sounds like a made-up word.”

“All words are made up if you look at it in a certain way.”

Michael went silent again, but this time he couldn’t think of anything to say. Actually, he wanted to change the subject. Talking about that made him nervous for some reason. But before he could open up his mouth to redirect the conversation somewhere else, Lisa asked him, “You sure you never felt attracted to another guy? Not even a little?”

Michael wanted to burst into laughter and so he did. As he finally caught up on his breath, he said, between laughs, “Lisa, my dear… if that ever happens to me, you have my personal authorization… to hit my head with a hammer.”

4.

The day the cameras arrived was also the day Ryan Howard, the new temp, arrived. A relatively short brunette boy with enthusiasm all over his face, just like any other employee on their first day — except, maybe, for Stanley Hudson.

And it was weird because that day, without any instant realization, a revolution started to happen inside Michael Scott. He didn’t notice it that same day, not even in the slightest, maybe because the cameras were also there and that was what he was focusing most of his attention on. But maybe, just maybe, if Ryan had arrived alone that day, Michael would have _at least_ noticed that the first word that came to his head when he saw Ryan was “cute”. Yes, cute. Just like he thought Pam was cute, or Lisa, who now only existed in his mind as a distant memory or maybe, even, little Marilyn, who was certainly his first love and someone he would never forget. Even though she broke up with him with no apparent reason. But, who was he to argue, uh? Women, right?

Anyway, after that long and exhaustive day of work — or filming, one could say — all employees gathered all their stuff and went home. Michael usually wasn’t the last one to leave but on that specific day, he wanted to see the filming crew pack up all their equipment and, no matter how many times they told him there was nothing special to see and he could just go home, there was just no way to convince Michael.

By pure coincidence, the only other employee who also ended up staying until late was the new temp. He made his way to the entrance and was surprised to see that the lights in Michael’s office were still on and Michael himself was still there, staring down at the parking lot by the window. When he took notice of Ryan’s presence, he said softly, “Hey, you’re still here. Come here, come here!,” he waved a hand, calling Ryan to stand by his side, “Just look at that, all that equipment just to film this tiny office… imagine if they were to make a big Hollywood production: a much bigger crew and more equipment would be needed, for sure!”

After a few seconds of silent observation, Ryan decided to ask, “Are you into that? Filmmaking and all that stuff?”

“Oh, when I was younger, yes. But… sales is my true passion. A lot of people think it’s easy and breezy but it takes a lot of talent, you know? You’ll see, you’ll find out by yourself”

“Yeah…”

“Well!,” Michael exclaimed as the filming crew finally left, “Time to go home, uh?”

When they got to the first floor, Michael suddenly stopped walking and hit his head lightly with his left palm. Ryan stopped as well and turned to him, “What, did you forget something?”

“Yes!,” Michael said with a big grin on his lips, “My manners! Oh, if my mom only saw me now… anyway, do you want a ride?”

“What?”

“A ride home. C’mon, it’s late. I’ll drop you by, just tell where you live.”

“I, uhm… are you sure it’s not too much trouble for you? I don’t live near…”

“No! Cut the crap, temp. Just give me the directions, okay? Let’s go!”

Ryan realized that, at that point, declining his boss’ offer would be just rude. And being honest, he didn’t want to decline: he knew that getting the bus now would take him more than two hours to get home whereas a car ride would take less than half of it. With that in mind, he said yes.

From the office to Ryan’s tiny apartment, Michal was the one who talked the most. Ryan’s first impression of him had been that he was rude and obnoxious but now, maybe because there were just the two of them, he started to enjoy his company and laughed at most of his jokes and impressions. And Michael felt utterly happy to have, for the first time in a while, someone who so visibly understood his sense of humor.

When he dropped Ryan and started to head to his own place, he felt a little empty inside. 

5.

At this point, everyone in the office had put their hands on a copy of Michael’s diary and that, of course, included Ryan. He had read it over and over again, trying to decide if the passages about him — and oh, there were _so many_ — were purely platonic or if Michael actually had feelings for him. After a lot of thought, he finally concluded that you don’t compare someone else to the woman you used to date as a mere way of complimenting them. That’s just not how it works.

Ryan walked up to Pam’s desk and rested his head there, tilting it slightly to the side as he said, “I think I should talk to him.”

“I think that’s a very smart idea,” Pam agreed, looking him in the eyes.

“Okay!,” he abruptly lifted up his head and drummed his fingers along Pam’s desk, right before walking to Michael’s office, mentioning to knock on the door but giving up on the very last second, “Nope, not now,” he said to himself as he started to make his way back to his own desk.

Jim, who watched the whole scene silently, waited for Ryan to be at a safe distance to ask Pam what all that meant. She only shrugged and gave him a small smile.

-

Michael didn't want to go to work that morning but he knew that he had to. After all, he was the boss. And not going was probably worse than going because people were going to talk anyway so, maybe, with him there they would be at least a little intimidated when he walked into the room. And, of course, his go-to strategy was to face everything with humor, so that's what he did. But not even all the jokes in the world would be able to mask what Michael saw on his employees' faces: pity. He hated to be pitied more than anything else. 

However, as surprising as it could be, the only person Michael had not yet seen was Ryan, who was probably the second person to be the most involved in that whole incident. Not that Michael would admit that out loud but he knew, deep down, that the amount of times he had mentioned Ryan in his diary could be considered… interesting, at least. But if it was a case of intentional avoidance or pure coincidence, he couldn't tell. The point was that, for the entire day, he did not see Ryan, not even once. He only saw him when he got on the elevator by the end of the day and someone shouted at him to hold it and that person turned out to be Ryan himself.

They greeted each other awkwardly, without any eye contact, as if that would somehow make the giant elephant in the room go away. When the elevator's doors finally opened and Michael waved goodbye to Ryan, that was the moment the temp realized that he had to do it and he had to do it _now_ because postponing it would only make his courage lower bit by bit until there would be nothing left, "Michael!," he shouted, running up to him.

"Yes…? Ryan?"

"I… I- I mean, we. _We_ need to talk."

"And what do you want to talk about?"

"Oh, c'mon, Michael, don't play dumb. You know it's about your diary."

Michael looked around, as if trying to find a way out of that conversation, "And… what about it?"

"Was it true? The things you wrote there?"

"'True'? What do you mean?"

"I mean… is it true that you have a crush on me?"

" _What,"_ Michael forced a laugh as if he had just heard the funniest joke he had ever heard in his entire life.

Ryan took a deep breath. He didn't think it was funny. At all.

"So… it's not true, then?"

Michael finally stopped laughing, "No! Oh my God, no! Of course not!," then he noticed that Ryan's eyes were starting to water, "Wait, you didn't think that I… that I had-"

"Well, actually yes, I did," he took another deep breath, trying to keep the tears from rolling down his face and his voice from quivering, "Guess I was just wrong, wasn't I?"

"Ryan, I-"

" _No,_ " Ryan held up a finger, "Save the speech."

Then he left, without looking at Michael again. And Michael felt as if he had just been stabbed in the heart.

+1

Do you know what it's like to live your entire life hearing people say that being a certain way is _bad_ and that you could go to Hell for being _like that_? Hearing that from teachers, classmates, strangers, coworkers and even your parents? And, God forbid, if anyone tried to talk about it in a hate-free way or with educational purposes, they'd be shut down immediately. Talking about it was prohibited, especially in Michael's house as he grew up. 

So he internalized that. From a very young age, his brain learned to associate words like gay, lesbian, transsexual with faggot, degenerate, freak. With such a mindset, he convinced himself that he couldn't be any of that. He just _couldn't._ No matter how many times he would stare at men in the bar a little too much or how he wondered, as a teen, how it would feel like to be kissed by Sandy Olsson just as much as by Danny Zuko or how, at this exact moment, he couldn't stop thinking about Ryan almost crying in front of him last Tuesday and the sudden urge he felt at the same instant to hold him in his arms and tell him that everything would be alright.

It took him days to finally come around at what all of that meant. He read every internet article and went on every online forum he could find about the topic. Also, he made a lot of quizzes, but just like someone in one of those forums had pointed out, it wasn't the results that mattered the most but the _reason_ why you were taking the quiz in the first place. And he had finally understood the reason why and was ready for it.

"Pam, could you please come to my office?"

"Sure, Michael," Pam promptly answered, wondering what Michael could be up to this time. She got into his office, where he discreetly closed the door and went to sit on his chair.

"I…," he started, "I read this article that said that… one of the steps to accept yourself is to… be honest about it with the people around you."

"Okay…," Pam said, not really sure of where this was going.

"Okay, here we go… I. Am. Bisexual."

Pam blinked once, twice. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to react. After years of working on that office, she thought she was already prepared for anything that could happen. Well, except that. But if she knew anything about coming out of the closet was that the fact that a bad reaction could ruin everything and she didn't want that to happen. After all, from all the people in the office, Michael chose her, _her,_ to be the first one he would tell. So she tried to visualize the situation from his point of view and did what she would've liked to be done if the roles were reversed.

"I accept and support you, Michael," she said, reaching out to hold one of his hands. And as much as that phrase felt a little like something that had been memorized and, therefore, unsympathetic, it made Michael start to cry.

Well, not cry _cry_ , but his eyes watered and a tear went down his right cheek, which he wiped away quickly, letting go of Pam's hand and using both of his hands to wipe his watery eyes. His hands stayed there for a while, as if he were trying to hide himself away from the rest of the world.

"Do you…," Pam started, a little hesitant, "Do you need anything, Michael?"

"Actually, yes. Do you know where Ryan is?"

"He is in the conference room, I think. Why?"

"Well… there is something I need to do," and, by saying only that, Michael got up and went directly to the conference room. At the door, however, he hesitated. Should he really do that? Was it really the right moment? _No._ He couldn't doubt himself now, doubting would only lead to postponing and postponing would only lead to never doing it. It was now or never.

"Michael!," Ryan exclaimed in surprise, "What are you-" but before he could complete what he was about to say, a pair of soft lips were pressed against his, shutting him off. The kiss was short but delicate and passionate at the same time, years of longing and repressed feelings being expressed on that single act. When they parted, Michael gave him a smile that was both sly and shy at the same time. Ryan was still in shock to react properly.

"I, uh…," Michael started, hesitantly, "I was wondering: what do you think of dinner, tonight?"

"I… I think that would be great," Ryan answered, an honest smile appearing on his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think?  
> I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it ^^


End file.
